The Walk

Merry Christmas!  We've made it back home, and let me say, Christmas was beautiful this year.  We spent some great time with family and remained calmed, relaxed and peaceful through it all, which is such a blessing.  I told you God would be faithful in answering my plea for peace!  But boy the transition back home has been hard.  It was like a 4 day vacation and now I have to come home and get back on top of things.  Oh, see, right now I can hear the buzzer of the washer beckoning me.  Yesterday was our first day back and it was so hard for me to be motivated to do what I needed to do.  Before Christmas, I was in a really good groove.  My pregnant body was used to doing work and I had a good routine of prayer.  It's all thrown off now!  I am 22 1/2 weeks pregnant now, and this baby is growing!  So many times I am just so uncomfortable because I know they are pressing up agianst something, usually my bladder or stomach.  For about a week I've had the mentality of "here we go, here it comes, the crazy crazy body transformation". 

Today's first reading, from John, he says "This is the way we may know we are union with him: whoever claims to abide in him ought to walk just as he walked".  How did Jesus "walk"?  Well the biggest walk of his life was carrying a cross to his crucifixion, and ultimately to the Resurrectin.  So we ought to walk like that?  Yes, we ought to pick up the crosses of our lives so that they may bring us closer to God.  Today, my "cross" is a messy house.  The rest of this week, it is beginnig the big task of organizing our guest room so that it may be the baby's room.  For the next 3 1/2 months, it will be embracing the aches and pains that come with carrying my beloved child and bringing them into the world.  These all call me to go beyond myself, to choose to do what I don't want to do for the best of my husband and child (and myself, too).  I am called to sacrifice my own will.  I would much rather sit around the house lazy all day, reading books,scanning the internet and looking at baby stuff online.  I would much rather not go through physical pain and wish my baby could magically appear.  But I am called to something greater; I am called to walk as Jesus did, laying down my life for those I love.  Thank you, beloved Apostle John, for reminding me of this : )

A Gentle Child

Christmas is almost here, Allelulia!  I've been on break from work...yes the joy of working in the school system.  It is such a God-send, too.  Since Monday, I've had very restful, yet productive, and prayer-filled days.  I told myself at the beginning of the week that I am going to take one day at a time and not get any big expectations of what to accomplish.  How great life is without looming expectations!  It's Thursday and all our shopping is done and presents are wrapped.  I cooked a great dinner on Tuesday and have good leftovers all week, which cuts down on things to do, too.  Every little thing I've done, whether wrapping or some sort of craft, I've made sure to clean up the mess right away and put things back in their place.  That way I wasn't flooded with mini projects all around the house (which is what I used to do in high school and college at home, my poor mother hated it).  I've had many conversations with the Lord and meditated on Scripture.  I'm so thankful I got this time because tomorrow we're headed to South Bend and BAM, it will be go, go, go.  I'm really hoping and praying that this week of rest and prayer is a good foundation for the busyness that lies ahead at home, that I can continue to keep the Lord's peace in my heart.  There is always an inner battle going on within me between pleasing others and pleasing God (not just during Christmas season, either) and sometimes that can bring anxiety to my heart.  I really have to just "let go" of so many things so I can be more present with God and with our loved ones. 

I'm relying on God so much for this and I thank Him for reminding me of my need for Him.  I can't solve every problem and I can't bring any joy to our family if I'm always so worried!  I need His grace and healing and I have hope and trust that He will come into my heart as a gentle Child so that I may experience His love and give love back to him and our families.  Just as He comes to us as a child, I go to him as his daughter, with confidence in his faithfulness.  I'm so excited to recieve Him this Christmas!  I really truly pray these same things for you!

Small successes and a big milestone

This past Tuesday we had our first ultrasound.  It was amazing, I still can't believe that I got to sit there for half an hour and watch my lil baby move around.  The mystery of this baby's life is a little less a mystery!  They move, suck their thumb, rub their eyes, roll over, etc.  We did find out the gender which really makes things "more real".  Slowly, we will tell people.  Once we decide to put it on Facebook the whole world will know and its good for me to keep this a secret for a little bit.  I love calling them by the little nickname we have for them.  I'm already so in love with this child.  Last week, I was home alone while Attila was at a meeting in the evening.  I brought myself to tears because I wanted to cuddle with my baby more then anything in the world. I always have this fear that something is going to go wrong.  I just wanna get this baby here, safe and healthy.  But it is a journey of trust; trust that my body can do this and trust that everything will happen in due time, in His time.  And trust that I will have the strength to face all that will come our way, no matter what.  I am always brought back to such joyful anticipation for this new life!

On a lighter note, I recently came across a website called "Faith and Family: the Magazine and Blog for Daily Catholic Living" (http://www.faithandfamilylive.com/).  Its a compilation of many women (and some men) who give insight about daily life as a Catholic person, with mostly advice on marriage, parenting and homemaking.  It gets me so excited!  This is what I need, little things to do everyday to live more faithfully my vocation.  Each day there are blogs with specific themes, and I came across one today (Thursday) that I really like.  This one focuses on our "small successes" and says "it’s important for moms to recognize that all the small successes in our days can add up to one big triumph."  So they encourage other bloggers to list 3 successes they've had in the past week.  I think anyone can do this, whether you're a mom, dad, single person, grandparent, etc.  We all need some encouragement, especially when life gets to be a big routine.  I really need to do something like this because I can often be so hard on myself.  I put up so many expectations for myself, and they are mostly in the house category, like I "don't clean the house faithfully on a weekly basis, so I suck."  I look at how I need to mop or do laundry and how often I end up NOT doing those things.  What ends up happening is my dear husband will do them and then I get mad at how poorly he did it.  It's a vicious cycle, really.  So, I am hoping that if I can list some of my small successes, it will motivate me to keep my hopes up and be better at things I would like to improve on.  Whatever works, Lord!

Today, I:
1. Cleaned off the snow on my own car in the morning without one ounce of complaining.  My hubby is quite sick and I knew that was the last thing he needed in the morning.
2.  Cooked Chicken Parmesan, a new recipe for me.  I love cooking and haven't done much in the past week; we've resorted to easy, sometimes fast food in our chaotic week.  Whole wheat pasta and fresh green beans, yay for healthy!
3. Did the ALL the dishes after dinner and wiped down the kitchen.  This is HUGE for me. I loathe doing the dishes and am really good at letting them pile up.  It was the least I could do for Attila, who did the dishes before I came home from work.  Did I mention he's been sick?!  I am making him go to the doctor tomorrow!

There ya go, my small successes.  I give them to you, Lord.  Your grace was a help!

So in love!

Our first anniversary is coming up on Sunday!  It looks like we may be a bit snowed in, and I am ok with that!  Since Christmas is so close, we're not getting eachother gifts.  I think gifts on our anniversary will be a bit rare, but very special thing.  I'm really surprised at how my mindset is toward our anniversary.  In the past, especially before we were married, I put so much emphasis on holidays and anniversaries and expected so much from Attila.  I wanted the "romance"; the bouquets of flowers and thoughtful gifts and expensive dinner dates.  And that's not in my husband's nature to be like that.  His way of showing love was different then my many high expectations of him.  He sure did try, though, and I have a super sweet collection of letters, cute cards, and some even sweeter poems ; )  With this first anniversary approaching, there aren't many expectations on my part like that.  I'm so content and satisfied with the thought of a homemade dinner at home while sharing memories and probably looking through our wedding pics.  The beauty of marriage.  Before getting married, there was never a formal commitment from Attila that he would love me forever, so my idea of "romance" was a reflection of my insecurity in our relationship.  I needed something tangible to know that he loved me and to know that everything would be ok.  Of course pretty much all humans have that need, but outside of marriage, without the sacrament and the vows and the total gift of self, it can never be fulfilling.  Even when Attila would try his best to be romantic, I was still insecure about things.  

The most romantic thing Attila has ever done was say those vows to me and back them up with giving himself to me completely.  And nothing could ever top that gift that I have given him, either.  Add to that, our love has born fruit, and we helped create another person; a complete manifestation of our love for eachother.  Our love will one day be running and giggling around our house and we will hear its pitter patter in the flesh!  My beloved is mine to have and to hold forever.  I confidently say, with ALL SECURITY IN THE WORLD (thanks to the grace of God) that I love him and he loves me and our love will never be broken. 

I praise God WITH MY WHOLE HEART for calling me to the wonderful life of marriage and all the ways that Our Lord uses it to shower me with love, security, and fulfillment. 

Hope, hope, and more hope!

It has been TOO long since I posted, unfortunately.  I will chalk it up to Thanksgiving.  We went home to South Bend for about 5 days, and it was great!  We hadn't seen our family for about 2 months and it was so good to catch up.  Going home always makes me want to move back there asap.  It's comfortable and what we know, but the Lord is calling us to something different.  This little town of Frankfort is home to us now, though, and it was nice to come back here, too.  We have made a little home for ourselves. 

Thanksgiving night, there we were, talking with Attila's dad and just relaxing and I was so blessed to feel the baby move some more.  And since then, this baby is moving so much more!  For awhile I had been asking the Lord for this little sign of life to be more prominent, and I'm so overjoyed to experience it now.  The beginning of pregnancy is such a mystery, like "is there really a little person in there growing and moving?"  Yes, I'm gaining weight, getting sick, and super tired, but is this really happening?  And now I feel these movements, its beyond words!  All through out the day I feel our baby moving.  There really is a baby in there, and in less then two weeks we get to see it with our own eyes on an ultrasound.  I am so thankful and amazed at the Lord's kindness to us. 

Before Thanksgiving, Attila and I had a night at home where we just chatted and chatted about what it will be like to be parents, and we really fostered this dream we have for our family.  Sometimes thinking about being a parent can be frightening, but that night, we both helped eachother see the excitement in it.  And its so much more then buying cute things for our kids and thinking about their cute little personalities that will come about.  Those add to the excitement, but it's really about a vision we have for our family.  It's about all of us becoming more ourselves, if that makes any sense.  Its about hope; hope that we CAN do this, by the grace of God.  Hope that we really can have a joyous life despite all we see around us in this world.  And hope that we can raise children who will have a joyous, fulfilled life, not defined by their material surrounding.  There is so much hope, hope, and more hope, which I am sure is a grace of the Advent season ;)

This week we also started decorating for the Advent/Christmas season.  About four years ago, I think, during Advent, I followed a devotional that led me through readings from the Old Testament which forshadowed the coming of Christ.  These stories were exciting to me and in the people of the stories, I saw glimpses of Christ, Mary, and Joseph, and my love for this season of Advent grew so deep.  In Advent we remember our salvation history and look for the completion of it.  I want to carry this on to our children, so we are focusing on Advent a bit more.  My brother and sister in law have an "Advent tree" which is decorated with purple ornaments.  Now we have one, and we added pink ornaments! When the official season of Christmas comes, we will change the ornaments to white and red and green.  I can't wait to share this with our kids! 

Wishing you all a hope-filled Advent!